Fairly Oddparents: Speedy Delivery!
by Kairi 'Shadow Sage' Taylor
Summary: As part of a school assignment, Timmy starts a fast delivery service; 10 minutes anywhere or it's free! Of course, Crocker wants to know how Timmy does it, so he turns to Vicky...A tribute to classic Road Runner toons!


Fairly Odd Parents: Speedy Delivery

By Kairi Taylor

Disclaimer: No, I don't. Sadly, the show is owned by Nickelodeon and Butch Hartman, and at this point you're probably wishing it weren't.

This was the one day that Crocker's class hated, out of all the days that they had in the year. Of course, any day spent learning under Crocker was an small bit of hell, but today was one that was particularly gruesome; bonus assignments. And it usually started off with this:

"Good news class! It's bonus assignment day!" Crocker smiled maliciously as he excitedly kicked in the door to the classroom. Not one kid in the class looked forward to this day, as it was well known that the grade curve Crocker had for this was particularly high; at best one could hope for a B- in the chosen task. "Now, unlike my previous assignments, I'm supposed to make this one interesting for you. Apparently, happy students are the rage these days. Who knew?"

"So does this mean that the school finally took my suggestion seriously!?" asked an already excited Chester.

Crocker sighed. "For the last time Chester, no one wants to go hunting for the Hoboken Wendingo! It does not exists"

"That's what the government WANTS you to believe! My cousin Ralph onceslipped in it's drool."

"And they call me the crackpot!" Crocker sat down at his desk and continued his job. "This time students, your assignment is simple: start your own business!"

"Like a lemonade stand?" AJ asked.

"Don't be so generic! You are all tasked with coming up with a unique and innovative service to the community. The ones whose business can make the most capital will score the highest grade."

"Ha, piece of cake!" Timmy crowed. "If it requires an innovative idea, I've already got it in the bag!"

"You'll also be working alone."

"Oh, crud." _So much on relying on AJ_, Timmy thought.

Of course, Crocker was banking on this: it would mean that Timmy would be forced to rely on the help of his fairy godparents to help him with his assignment. All he needed was evidence of Timmy using magic on the job and it would be a slam dunk.

"An innovative business venture huh?" the gravely voice of the school bully, Francis, spoke up as he rubbed his chin, a thought slowly forming in the rather small skull of his. "I think I may just have the very thing this town needs to finally---"

"250 dollars and time served!!" the gavel banged down hard on the wood of the bench as Judge C. Jones rendered his verdict. Francis gruffly uttered something unintelligible as he and his two female companions, a tall blonde and a tall brunette, vacated the court room. "Stupid anti juvenile pimping laws!" As he left, the judge asked the bailiff "What's the next case Mac?"

"It's Mr. Coyote vs the Acme Corporation, your honor."

"Again? Doesn't that guy ever learn?"

Timmy sat in the beanbag located in his tree house, distressed as Wanda and Cosmo floated above his head, while Poof rode a wooden beetle. "Before I begin to tell you my problem," Timmy began, "why did you get Poof a wooden beetle?"

"Cosmo's forbidden from possessing any sort of wooden horse." Wanda explained. "Let's just say it gives Jorgen fits if Cosmo ver is seen next to one."

"You'd think he'd enjoy my reenactment of the Fall of Troy." Cosmo sighed.

"In any case, I'm totally lost! I need to come up with an idea for my own business and I don't know where to start."

"Hmm, why not try something simple, like a baked good stand. That does a brisk business." Wanda suggested.

"No, I already thought of that. But AJ already beat me to it." Timmy then reached into his pocket and pulled out a pack of green jellybeans. "AJ's Blend Jellybeans! It's any flavor you want it to be." Wanda read aloud the words on the bag. Popping one into her mouth, she cooed, "oooh, this one tastes like egg custard!"

"Well, what about the dating business?" Cosmo suggested. Timmy shook his head and replied "No, that option is right out. Thanks to Francis, any dating themed business has been shut down until they finish the pending investigation."

"Ah well, pimping ain't easy."

"And how would you know that?" Wanda asked Cosmo, arching an eyebrow.

"I read it in my latest Opal Book Club selection: Pimping-Not an Easy Task."

It was at that moment that the door to his tree house opened and a fairy holding a pizza box flew in. "Ok, your pizza's here!" the fairy said as he dropped a dusty, burned and funky smelling on the ground.

"Hey, we ordered this pizza 3 months ago! You're just getting here now?" Timmy said to the fairy. The fairy put his hands on his hips and replied "Hey, we have hundreds of orders to fill! Most of these orders go through other dimensions you know, and don't get me started on what happens when you try to fill an order in Miseryville!"

"Well at least it's free!" Cosmo pointed out "Although I rather my pizza didn't come with penicillin!"

It was then that Timmy had a thought. "Hey, Cosmo, you just gave me an idea!"

"Does it involve the Hoboken Wendingo?"

"No. Wanda, I need a copy of the Fairy World catalog."

Crocker stepped out onto his rather dusty porch the next morning to grab his copy of the morning paper. Usually, his thoughts in the morning would be filled with schemes on how to expose Timmy's fairies to the world. But for the moment, he was too preoccupied with figuring out what happened to his stash of chocolate donuts. "I just hope mother didn't go on an eating binge. Again." He groggily yawned. Reaching down, he noticed a curious flyer on the ground next to his paper.

"What's this…Turner Delivery Service? Anywhere in Dimmsdale and the local Dimmsdale Desert in 20 minutes or no charge!" Crocker arched an eyebrow in suspicion. "20 minutes?" How is that possible?"

That's when he noticed it: across the street, he saw Timmy talking with his neighbor, Mr. Blanc, who had in his hands a large box. "Now remember kid," Mr. Blanc sternly told Timmy, "I need this downtown in 10 minutes!"

"No problem sir!" an enthusiastic Timmy said. Timmy then saluted, took the box from the hands of his customer, and walked out in the middle of the road. Giving the thumbs up, Timmy turned to the general direction of the city and, before Crocker's eyes, very quickly sped off.

Crocker's jaw dropped, literally. After taking a moment to pick it up, he said to himself "Either I drank too many cups of Folgers coffee or I just saw Timmy Turner go from zero to 120 in .32 seconds! He barely scrapes by in gym class, how is this possible?" It took precisely 5 seconds for Crocker to come up with the only plausible conclusion.

"There's only one possible explanation…Turner must have been distressed by the fact that he could not rely on the skills of his friends to complete this assignment! So, he went seeking the aid of his FAIRY GODPARENTS!! (imagine Crocker spazzing out here.) After getting less than helpful advice, something must have happened to inspire him to request a special catalog from his FAIRY GODPARENTS!!" (Again, imagine more spazzing out.)

Crocker rubbed his chin in frustration. "However, this puts me at a disadvantage. I'm forbidden to do anything to interfere with the students as they are performing their tasks. Blow up one cheese diorama and they never let you live it down." Fortunatley for Crocker, there was a very easy solution to this.

Vicky sat at the desk in her room, dejected and bored. Business was practically nonexistent these days, since it seemed that all the kids were currently preoccupied running their own little side businesses. It meant that all her babysitting and blackmail services were put on hold. Of course, she could have just sabotaged all of them, but they saw fit to buy 'Vicky Insurance' before they set out to their tasks.

The phone on her desk suddenly rang and caught her attention. "Finally, I was almost desperate enough to spend time with my parents!" she gasped. Picking up the receiver and holding it to her ear, she dejectedly said "Vicky's Babysitting Service, how may I help you sir or ma'am?"

"Babysitting Service? I thought this was 'Vicky's Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap'! Must have the wrong number."

"No no, wait, we offer that too! So, what do you have in mind, and keep it interesting!"

"My problem is Timmy turner related."

Vicky rolled her eyes. "Oh, aren't all our problems twerp related. So, what dd the little creep do to you?"

"Nothing today, but it's his new little business that worries me. He's offering deliveries done in 10 minutes or it's free and so far, he's doing extremely well! I want to know his secret!"

Vicky frowned. If there was anything she despised more than a happy Timmy Turnerm it was a Timmy Turner who was outdoing her in business. "Alright, but what do I get out of it in return?"

"Aside from a huge monetary reward, all the Acme gear you can use. I have an extended contract with them."

"Very well then, leave it all to me."

The scene: the Dimmsdale Desert.

There isn't exactly too much to see in this large strip of badlands, other than a few notable rock formations and old west themed parks. But if one was standing in the desert that day, looking at the road, they would be privy to two unusual sights.

The first would be a rapidly sprinting Timmy Turner (Accelirus Twerpikus) with a package in hand running down the road. Accompanying him on his job in disguise as labels on his shirt were Cosmo, Wanda and Poof. "Wow sport, this delivery service you're provided for Dimmsdale is sure to get you an A for your project!" Wanda said to her godchild. Timmy nodded and added "Well, it was a good thing I ordered these sneakers from the Fairy World catalog! These things are amazing!" Timmy was referring to the red and white sneakers that he currently wore on his feet…but if they were sneakers no one could tell as his feet were moving that fast.

"The Hermes 5000 are a special make of sneakers designed specifically for deliveries." Wanda explained. "It's possible to reach even speeds of Mach 2 with them."

"And, 2 out of 3 hedgehogs swear by them!" Cosmo pointed out. "Although the echidna demographic seem to favor gloves."

"Uh oh. Don't look now guys, but we seem to have a problem." Timmy said as he looked behind him. The second unusual sight was completely unexpected: it was Vicky (Ickikus Vickikus) in pursuit behind him on a Harley Davidson, a butterfly net in hand.

"What's Vicky doing here?"

"Is it too much to hope she's looking for the Hoboken Wendingo?" Cosmo suggested.

"I'll just have to lose her then."

As Vicky inched closer, ready to ensnare her quarry, Timmy turned around, stuck out his tongue twice and sped off, literally becoming a blur as he practically tore up the road. "What the—" was all Vicky managed to get out, right before slamming herself and her motorcycle face first into a raised piece of concrete. Picking herself up from the wreckage, Vicky wearily said "Ok, this job's going to require a bit of strategy on my end."

"Heh, there's no way he could resist this!"

Set up on the side of the road, underneath a box with a stick, was a plate with some tacos and a glass of soda. Attached to said stick was a string. And if one followed the string, they would see it lead to a rock, where Vicky was waiting. "There's no way anyone can resist the allure of free tacos!"

Doing her best to suppress her sinister giggles, Vicky squatted down and waited. A few minutes later, she heard an audible crunch. Yanking hard, she watched as the box dropped down on her quarry. It would be madness to think it could actually work, but then again, Timmy wasn't exactly the brightest of people.

"I've got you now, twerp!" she yelled excitedly as she lifted the box up. She didn't feel the same for that long when she saw what was underneath the box: it was a pair of kids, one dressed in a tiger suit wearing a belt with a big 'T' in the middle, the other was a blue haired girl with goggles on her head. And they were making out. Well, they were up until the blue haired girl noticed Vicky gawking at her.

"Ok, this is awkward." Frieda said.

"Who are you kids and why are you in my trap?"

"You mean this is not a free taco stand and makeout box?" Manny asked.

"No. Who actually makes that sort of thing?"

Manny pointed out to the desert sands behind him. Dotted all over the area were many card board boxes, with people either eating tacos or making out in the shade.

Vicky sighed. "Ok, plan b!"

It was finished. It took quite a bit of time, but it was finally done.

In the middle of the road was a large brick wall, at least 7 feet in height. And all over the road was a long trail of black oil, Acme brand, directly leading to said wall. "This plan is foolproof." Vicky said. "In a few seconds, I'll be peeling the twerp off the wall and be off to collect my pay!" As she stood by the side of the road, she thought of ways to spend the reward money, like buying the limited edition GAH! Plate set.

A few seconds later, Timmy sped into view. Vicky smiled sadistically as he came closer to her trap. However, she was definitely not expecting what followed next: Timmy's speed was such that he not only set the oil on the ground on fire, he crashed through the brick wall. As he sped off into the distance, Vicky stood there, mouth agape. But it wouldn't lat that long when she noticed something.

"That's funny…I smell burning feet." She looked down and noticed her feet were on fire. So she did the only thing she could do at that point in time: she ran around screaming in pain around in a circle until the remains of the brick wall fell on top of her.

As Timmy raced down the road, he made an abrupt stop. At the side of the road was a large cheery pie, sitting on a plate atop of a rock pile. "Wow. What are the odds someone would leave a perfectly good pie out in the middle of the desert."

"I always wondered what kid of a person leaves food out in the middle of the open desert. They must not care for desserts much." Cosmo pondered.

"I can't help but think I've seen something like this before." Wanda said to Timmy.

Wanda's suspicions were well founded. Nearby was Vicky, behind a cactus, a TNT plunger in hand. As Timmy picked up the pie and began devouring it, she quickly pushed down on the plunger…

…and nothing happened. Bewildered, she pushed down on it repeatedly, but no big explosion came. As she frantically tried to get the desired explosion to commence, Timmy finished off the pie and sped off.

"ARRGGHHH!!!" Vicky angrily ran to the explosives hidden underneath the rock pile and inspected them. She then noticed the problem: one of the wires attached to the TNT was unhooked. As she hooked it back up to the TNT, a little voice in her head said to her in a falsetto voice: MISTAKE!!!

The massive explosion that followed sent her screaming into the skies until gravity gave out and she was sent plummeting towards the nearby canyon. As she rapidly approached the bottom, she held out a sign which read "Hey, to whoever is writing this: How about you fade out to the next scene before I hit?"

Thankfully, the author was that merciful.

"All right, playtime is OVER TWERP!!!" Vicky growled as she unboxed the latest item she had gotten from Acme: A large, LARGE missile launcher. As Timmy sped past her location, she pressed the button on her remote, activating the explosive and sending it racing after Timmy. "There's no way this can fail!"

"So, how does it work?"

"Oh that's simple. When it's launched, the Acme Heat Seeking missile will home in and pursue the nearest heat source until—"

"Vicky stopped herself. It was then that she noticed that she was giving a detailed explanation of a remote controlled ballistic to the very person she launched it at: Timmy, who was standing next to her. "Wait a second, HOW'D YOU DO THAT?"

"It's a trade secret. By the way, thanks for the tip about heat sources." Timmy pointed to the torch that he had attached to her back pocket. Vicky pouted as she realized what was about to happen and did the only thing she could do: reaching into her pocket, she pulled out a blindfold, wrapped it around her eyes and stood in the middle of the road. Seconds later, the missile would slam into her and carry her off, leaving the remote behind. Picking it up, Timmy said to Cosmo and Wanda "You know, I've been wondering why Vicky's been chasing after me."

"Maybe she has a shota complex." Cosmo suggested.

"I think it's only right we send that missile to it's proper owner."

Crocker stepped out onto his porch, a cup of coffee in hand. "I wonder how Vicky is doing." He said to himself. No doubt, she must have found out how Timmy was making his deliveries.

As he looked up in the sky, he got the answer he was seeking for, in more ways than one: screeching towards him was a large missile, and at it's tip was a screaming Vicky.

"This is the last time I do outsourcing."

Timmy walked down the streets towards his home, a spring in his step and a smile plastered on his face. "Well, this has been a GREAT week." Timmy exclaimed. "I got an A+ on the assignment, I made a ton of money and best of all, Crocker and Vicky are both in the hospital for intensive burns!"

"Speaking of hospital, are you gonna visit Chester?" Cosmo asked. "It's been a week since his run in with the Hoboken Wendingo."

"Yeah, who'd have thought he'd actually run into that thing in a Wal-Mart? But hey, it's been a great week! Nothing possibly sour my mood."

"Oh Timmmy!!!"

"Ok, maybe I spoke too soon." Approximately 5 yards ahead of him was his very enthusiastic, almost obsessive would be crush: Tootie. Cosmo, Wanda and Poof quickly transformed into cats as Timmy said. "I think I'll salvage whatever pride I have and run for my life, right now!" As Timmy turned to flee, however, he found himself already in the iron embrace of Tootie's arms. This normally would not have been possible, but it should be noted that Timmy has casually tossed aside the sneakers he wore into a nearby bin and Tootie had found them.

"So, Timmy," Tootie said seductively, "they say Virginia is for lovers. Care to test that theory out?"

"I doubt saying no is a viable option." As Tootie sped off with Tootie, Cosmo turned to his wife and said "Well, I think Timmy learned an important lesson today."

"That objects of great power should never be disposed of so casually?"

"No. Once a woman sets her sights on you, there's no escape, so just shut up and enjoy the ride."

Wanda, not amused, chose this time to drop a boulder on her husband.


End file.
